The Couch Is Calling My Name Like It Has Free Nights And Weekends

Because I had to read all of this, you do too.

Week 1/2/3

Monday (AM): 40min @ 10min/mile (4miles)

(PM): Hill Sprints (5-6miles)

Tuesday (AM): 40min @ 10min/mile (4miles)

(PM): 40min @ "whatever" (4.5 - 5miles)

Wednesday: 120min (weeks 1, 3) or 100min (week 2) @ "easy pace"

Thursday (AM): 40min @ 10min/mile (4miles)

(PM): 60min @ "whatever" (6.5 - 7miles)

Friday (AM): 40min @ 10min/mile (4miles)

(PM): 30-45min elliptical (easy)

Saturday (AM): 40min @ 10min/mile (4miles)

(PM): 60min (incl. 4xmile @ 7.50-8min/mile with 90sec recovery) (7+ miles)

Sunday(AM): 40min @ 10min/mile (4miles)

(PM): 40min @ "whatever" (4 - 5miles)

Week 4 (taper)

Monday (AM): 40min @ 10min/mile (4miles)

(PM): 40min @ "whatever" (4 - 5miles)

Tuesday (AM): 40min @ 10min/mile (4miles)

(PM): 1/2 - 2/3rds workout, hills or distance (6 - 7miles)

Wednesday: 75min @ easy pace (8+ miles)

Thursday (AM): 40min @ 10min/mile (4miles)

(PM): 30-45min elliptical (easy)

Friday: Day Off

Saturday: 20-25min easy pace (2 - 3miles)

Sunday: Seattle Half Marathon (start @ 9:00 - 9:10 pace, drop to 8:45 after 7miles, 8:30 after 11miles)

Before I was mostly doing whatever I felt like, now I'm doing this. On the plus side it is totally Eli's fault if I fail.

(Oh and last week's mile count was "roughly 60" due to birthdays, extra-strength hangovers, and not caring all that much.)

More Bounce To The Ounce

100min run, 9min mile. 10min mile, 10min cooldown. Had to break in new shorts, find "comfort zone" (aka 9min). Told "maybe not cut out for this running thing" by both parents after embarrassing Rose Bowl performance (rude). Mt Wilson Toll Road is bullllllllllshit (9 miles one way after a 2mile hike just to get there, listed as "strenuous") so starting with Mt Lowe and yeah, ha ha ha, "ha"

Gone To Plaid

Tonight at a good ol boys dinner of Seagrams and wine I learned several things about my father's training methods for the New York Marathon. The greatest hits:

• He ran up and down the Mt Wilson access road "just on some weekends"
• Sometimes he went to the track, but not really

Alright that wasn't so much the greatest hits as it was "training methods, all." Now I couldn't help but think A) he'd been holding back this information to gain a competitive edge and B) this sounds like fairly thin gruel, even for the 70s. Turns out his finish time was roughly three (3) hours. Point being I am going to run the shit out of that mountain and, also, possibly become the Highlander.

What The Fuck Anymore

AND They Probably Went To State School

I wouldn't want to go out on a fucking limb here, but I'm fairly sure that this is the most important article written about sport, ever. It is basically the voice of a generation, thusly: "city marathons were like a beautiful, delicate flower that fat people ate and ruined, with their diabetes," end quote.

Purists believe that running a marathon should be just that-- running the entire course at a relatively fast clip. They point out that a six-hour marathoner is simply participating in the event, not racing in it. Slow runners have disrespected the distance, they say, and have ruined the marathon's mystique

I always ask those people, "What was your time?" If it's six hours or more I say, "Oh great, that's fine, but you didn't really run it"

Now that last gut-punch of we were all thinking it, she's just saying it comes from Julia Given, "a 46-year-old marketing director... [who] still finds ways to differentiate the 'serious runners' from those at the back of the pack." Julia recently finished the Baltimore Marathon in 4:05:52, which good on her because shit is not easy. But if Julia considers the first place finisher of said race had a time of 2:14:04 (or the 2:32:09 women's leader) then her own running needs serious work (oh ho HO, "ho").

Julia and her purist crew have drawn a line slightly below their own accomplishments, which is probably a great distraction from the fact that none of them will ever be competitive. Were they to actually get their wish and the field strictly limited, these brave champions of FWPs would likely either become bottom of the barrel or simply not qualify at all. Do you know who is not represented in this article? Anyone that actually is an elite runner. My guess is they are too busy not giving a fuck (or: winning).

There are probably plenty of overweight people trying to get a shirt and a medal in any given city marathon, but luckily if you hustle (something they are unable to do sans Jazzy) they can't catch you so as to offend your eyes or gnaw your calf. Look Julia, baby, your slightly under 10 min mile marathon is like being the fastest child molester. And child molesters all get the same sweet ass judicial prize regardless of tempo because, at the end of the day, they molested a child. At the end of the day, some number of people wound up 26 miles away from where they started. That is a marathon. That's it.

Who Run Bartertown?

Guys I have a new marathon partner:

Spike is the best at running. She pulled me probably faster than an 8min mile for about an hour this morning and when we got back she wanted to play frisbee or, even better, could I stop crying like a little girl and hit the god damn pavement again, god damn it. We compromised with her being allowed to obliterate, Thunderdome-style, the meowing yahoos that woke me up this morning. Two cats enter, one dog leaves (sorry, Kathryn).

Where We're Going, We Don't Need Roads

TODAY: Five week countdown to the Seattle half-marathon. I'm going to start putting up my weekly mile totals here (on Thursdays), aiming between 50-70mi. This last week was probably over 80 so, you know, mulligan.

Going to the bay area this weekend, plan on keeping up my running schedule (more or less).

Aw, Buckle This

It is safe to say 6:30AM is the worst AM.

Spread It Out For You In A Nutshell

103 during the day and 75 at midnight actually starts cutting into my floating schedule too, which is as seriously serious as much as it is total baloney. But it has helped me learn that not every day needs to be a 15mile day (for now) and variety is good for staying 1. interested and 2. up past an 8pm bedtime. I knocked off morning training today because well pardon me, mr perfect, I forgot that you never, ever make a mistake and instead tacked an extra 10min on my run tonight and another 10 on cooldown. Still in the double digits for mileage, coasted through a 90min hill session, didn't want to eat a bullet afterward.

Sunday Rose Bowl called off due to weather and massive flea market so double dose of indoors tomorrow. And if you're one of those "I love to run in the heat" jagoffs you can blow me, along with the oh so smug, I also eat the core of the apple wastes of my time. You are the worst.

Plus Dome (Say Word)

It was probably 70degrees outside at 7 this morning. Bonus for afternoon floating, two thumbs way down for running. Feel like the day is "over before it began"

"Chip, You're A Five-Alarm Fuckup"

Waking up at 6:30 is a tough routine to enjoy, because shit is early. To help get the ball rolling, I took possibly a couple too many fistfuls of Ambien early last night in the hopes I'd actually get my full eight. Instead I 1) hallucinated my alarm 2) got dressed(ish) 3) fed my dogs 4) tripped over my shoes and fully wiped out 5) landed on my left knee which is now roughly eight shades of "mother sonofa" 6) noticed the oven clock read 12:48 and whatever, duh. Why wouldn't I totally screw up something as easy as opening my eyes. (Man, FWPs) 7) Went back to bed until noon.

WEDNESDAY, IN NUMBERS

1: Runs; Coffees; Happy Gilmores; Bottles of wine

2: Viewings of Point Break; Steven Segal movies (Glimmer Man, Fire Down Below)

5: Diet Cokes

So my knee hurts and tomorrow I switch to 8min jog/2min walk in the morning with alternating hill intervals in the afternoon. I'm coming for you, Chregge. Start saving the $5 all those Four Lokos will set you back. And you can keep the lava sauce.

Part The Second

Your registration is complete!

You will receive an email in the next few minutes confirming your registration.

Purchased at:

October 14, 2009 01:53 PM

Date & Time:

November 29, 2009 07:15 AM

Location:

Seattle Center (map)

Forget that found poem mess above, I'm not fixing it. Bootstraps, bitches. Anyways you get the general idea that I'm both hands in for the Seattle half marathon. Forty-Seven days (ish?) and counting-- loser buys Taco Bell and Four Lokos.

He Looks Like A Horse In A Man Costume

Your registration is complete!

You will receive an email in the next few minutes confirming your registration.

Purchased at:

October 12, 2009 06:50 PM

Event Name:

The 2010 Pasadena Marathon

Date & Time:

February 21, 2010 06:00 AM

Location:

Pasadena City College (map)

5 hours under the wire for early registration, I've officially thrown my hat into the ring.

"He's running the wrong way. Let's see how far he can go."

My neck of the woods has way too many goddamn hills, as if being awake and wearing pants wasn't hard enough already. All early morning runs will now take place at the Rose Bowl, which is 1. significantly more level 2. cluttered with strolling elderly who will make me feel like turbo boosters in a first gear kind of world. It is the little things.

Best music to run to, hungover or otherwise:

• Kenny Loggins. Fuck you if you aren't full-blown Rocky IV, Apollo is dead athletically inspired any time Footloose comes on. Or dancing-mad at John Lithgow. Whichever.
• Lionel Ritchie, Dancing on the Ceiling. This is just a good song.
• 90s punk, all.
• Nelly.

There it is, out to dry in the afternoon sun. So long as my answer to that is never "Chris Brown, on repeat" I see no reason for embarrassment. Everybody needs a hobby, and mine is having excellent taste in tunes.

Unanimous Consent

Oh no, got to get fit for a marathon. Man, FWPs

(Guys, seriously. Get into it.)

I Do Solemnly Swear That As Your President, I Will Goof Off And Eat Candy

On coach's orders, I'm not running anywhere this Saturday. The time usually dedicated to my first run was spent "sleeping it off" which is a technical term but basically means Eli abused his power and made me drink irresponsibly. The time for my second run was supposed to be baking pies and watching ponies but instead gave way to game day and maybe beers.

Good thing I'm not trying to be the best at exercise.

4 Will Relocate Your House Very Efficiently

FOR NOW:

6:30 AM 90 min walk/jog alternate, 5min intervals

3:30 PM 10min mile, 6+ miles

Next week I start actual "marathon training" because as a rich white person, I have to create my own adversity.

(This is almost as inspiring as my journey, and not just out of my love for Twister. Although mostly out of my love for Twister.)

I Have No One To Envy. I Envy You Having Me To Envy.

Jake decided to be an independent thinker and join the marathon bandwagon. He's (hopefully) going to run with me in LA come February. It's a good thing they don't give out style points because then this race would already be a lock.

Groundswell Of Support

"I'm running a marathon"

(response)

"I think that will involve getting off of your floaty"

"I Think I Popped My Implant"

If you're not watching Real World/Road Rules The Ruins, you should be, because I am on it. You can see me in the competitive spirit of each and every former castmate. In the triumph of overcoming the odds in weekly challenges (e.g. falling from great heights into water, answering basic trivia and falling from great heights into water, roid rage). In the quiet dignity that can be found in accepting your own limitations. This, my friends, is the true heart of athleticism.